Joke: horse 4 sale

[becsflowers]

A man calls his friend, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a another friend over to look at a horse.
"How will I recognize him?" asks the rancher. "That's easy," says the man, "He's a midget with
a speech impediment."
A little later, the midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if
he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So, he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin' horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes
the once over.
"Nith eyeth, an I thee her earzth?"
So, he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
ears.
"Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is getting a little tired and angry at this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see
her twat?"
Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm
and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him
out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should
rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

[OvertheRiver]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the summer festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "you are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Long Ranger's tent. Once they are alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully...for the last time...

I said "BRING POSSE!"

[PMilam]

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet*propped up on a table.* He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.* The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big*feet?"**The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady!* Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"**The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with*him.*

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill, and he's all.. "wow! nobody's ever PAID" .. the lady puts her finger to his mouth.. and says...
"Oh, honey, go buy yourself some boots that fit!!".

[Two 6 Pac]

Subject: Mexican Family

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can't find any work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:
"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family...

" Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming over the top of the
hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet! Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you," he
cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.
Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message .

As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling .. "THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!!"

[becsflowers]

A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.


John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"



"Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it will give you a real buzz."



So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only drinkin' buddies can.



Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all.



The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels. "I feel great!" says John.



"No hangover!" "Me neither," says Bill.



"That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought to do this more often."



Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"



"No, why?"



"Well don't because I'm in Phoenix."

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs this one is especially for you!


Sherry goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air & starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"!

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on
special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

---Her money was refunded.

[becsflowers]

OOOOOOO MYYYYYYYY GOSH !!!!!!!!!!!!! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/eek.gif

That is SOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!

I will FOREVER think of that when I am within 500 feet of a WalMart!!!!!

It almost makes me want to go BUY something to take back, just so I can TRY IT there!!!

LOLOL!!!!!

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs,

Here's you another one. S&L used to get a laugh out of this one, back in the good old days!


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.


The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip,the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.





Thank God for heroes!

[becsflowers]

A dinner conversation that took the wrong turn -

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she wear my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "Well, I suppose so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Sh**..."
************************************************
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

[becsflowers]

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
*******************************************
These are REAL subjects at our house...LOL!!

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs you too darn funny! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Will they kick us off here for having too much fun?

Never choke in a restaurant in the Arkansas!

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again,the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but
ain't never seed nobody do it!


Sorry Lucy this is a re-run for you.........

[Two 6 Pac]

This one might Becs!


THE BET

Two families moved from Pakistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "F**k you, towel head."

[becsflowers]

Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!

We might not get kicked OFF here for having "too much fun", but we definately may not be in the running for "Most Tasteful Joke" award this year.... LOL!

The "Hindlick" is one of my all time favorites. I emailed it to all of my brothers, who all got a kick out of it!

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs

Being serious as death obviously isn’t gettin very far!

As for "Most Tasteful Joke " of the year, well we have to just consider the "Judges" http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Remind me when the bug dies and I'll send them some flowers.

[This message has been edited by Two 6 Pac (edited 12-07-2004).]

[becsflowers]

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City.

He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

[Two 6 Pac]

And who said I don't play well with others?
http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do." .

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. We’ll, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates..

Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, " YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT ?"

[PenDragon]

CALIFORNIANS
So as to not be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if :

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible,

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house,

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English,

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze,

5. You can't remember . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor,

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian,

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really gr eat parking space can totally move you to tears,

10. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast,

11. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S,

12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps, and you don't even notice,

13. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney,

14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment,

15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

16. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

17. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH,"

18. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class,

19. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers,

20. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .

21. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

22. Both you AND your dog have therapists . .

and lastly,

23. The Terminator is your governor.

[Two 6 Pac]

By all means let us not leave out all those
"Denny Crains" out there!


A very successful lawyer parked his brand new golden Lexus in front of the office in preparation for showing it off to his colleagues. As he was stepping out, a truck came along and completely tore off the driver's side door.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and in less than five minutes a policeman arrived. But, before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how much work the body shop did on it.

After the lawyer finally wound down, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief: "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

"My God," pondered the astonished policemen, "don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was obviously ripped off when the truck hit you!"

"Oh my God!," screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!!!"

[becsflowers]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover
says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Two 6 Pac]

While on the subject of testicles or was it bears?


HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a
cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Arkansas) "light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:


"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Indiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia!

[Becky Davis]

These jokes are hilarious!!

[becsflowers]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering her self into a chair beside him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs, your a hit in my book! We must meet! The next time I'm in town I'll take you to lunch.

Medical Marvels

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very> much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was relaxed and still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. So at this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The doctor did and soon the wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
Both she and her husband were ecstatic with the near pain free delivery. However, when they got home, the mailman was found dead on the porch.

[b lake lady]

These are fantastic!!!!!

Aliens:
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying "Greetings, Eathling, we come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greeting Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien warned his comrade saying "You don't want to do that. I don't think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. About half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young fried alien. "He damned near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travel, it's when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him."

[This message has been edited by b lake lady (edited 12-15-2004).]

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs, there's another nut loose! Lets see, around myself twice, then in my, NOPE can't do that. http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[becsflowers]

And YOU thought "fruitcake" was just for Christmas! LOL!

[Two 6 Pac]

OK, You ask for it! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/biggrin.gif


The Ugly Bus

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker. And because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what his wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous." And so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous, too."
Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, with each one asking to be gorgeous. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor laughing his head off.

God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."


1.

[becsflowers]

Ha ha ha! You are GOOD!!!!!

[b lake lady]

Subject: Christmas Story for people having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[PMilam]

I saw this on a Christmas plate, last night.

In bed, Santa turns to Mz Claus.. he says..
"Stop this.. I know when you are sleeping, and when you are awake!"

[PenDragon]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying: HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a
computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and
wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and
pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the
least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so
he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and
stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to
type."

The dog jumped d own, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly
type a perfect business letter.He took out the page and trotted over to
the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was
fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has
to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and
proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various
programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented
them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that
you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but
you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his
paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the
damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

[becsflowers]

HISTORY OF THE MIDDLE FINGER

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Giving the Finger Before the Battle of Agincourtin 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

And yew thought yew knew everything.

[Two 6 Pac]

Here's to yew! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/biggrin.gif


THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME
DOWN TO 2 SEMI-FINALISTS:
A YALE GRADUATE AND A REDNECK.
THEY WERE GIVEN A SINGLE WORD,
THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO COME
UP WITH A POEM THAT CONTAINED THE WORD
"TIMBUKTU."

FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE .
HE STEPPED UP TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:

SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU."

THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!
NO WAY COULD THE REDNECK TOP THAT THEY THOUGHT!

THE REDNECK CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:

ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU.

THE REDNECK WON HANDS DOWN

[becsflowers]

Ways to Annoy a Yankee (Northerner).



Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.
Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.
Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.
Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”.
Put Tabasco on everything.
For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”, say “Well, I’ll be damned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”
“Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.
Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin to do” something.
Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.
When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
"Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left."
"Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

[becsflowers]

Looking for some fun over at the Berryville WalMart?


Annoying Things To Do In A Discount Superstore



"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out.
Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice.
Around Christmas time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
Ask if you can buy a shopping cart.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies!
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Bring a friend and get in a shopping cart. Have them push you around while you yell "ye-haw!"
Buy chrome hubcaps and put them on in the parking lot
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
Do all of these above without getting thrown out! Contributed
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other shoppers in you're best Yoda voice,"May the force be with you".
Everytime you walk out the door (or try waiting by the door for others to walk out), make a dinging noise then say mechanically "We're sorry. You have activated the Wal Mart inventory control service. Please step back and a Wal Mart associate will help you. Thank you."
Fill your shopping cart with matchbooks and gasoline and walk around smiling at people.
Find a parent with her kid in the shopping cart. Point at the kid and ask the parent, "What aisle are they selling these on?"
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Gather a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them into neighboring aisles.
Get 20 people together and play hide-n-go-seek.
Get a dish towel and bucket and sit on the floor singing "It's a hard knock life for us!"
Get a friend, put on as many articles of clothing you can find and start sumo wrestling (use diapers if possible) .
Get a group of friends together and take lawn chairs from the display then rewind the movie playing on the display TV in electronics, sit down and watch the entire thing.
Get one of those fake dogs that barks/sings, place it on the ground in front of a group of people and press the button to make it sing/bark. Then proceed to bark and growl like you are going to attack it
Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!”
Go to the express lane and get an item, and say "wait, I forgot something, and keep doing that until you have like 50, check out, then say "thanks, I forgot how much this costs," and walk away.
Go to the video game section and play one of the games for a minute the throw down the controller and start to bang on the display case when an attendant asks u what u are doing tell him your trying to change the game.
Go up to a guy and start crying saying I finally found you mommy! And see what he does!
Go up to someone and start taking items from their basket and put them into yours.
Go up to the clerk and say code Red! and see what they do! (I know it will work I did it.)
Grab handfulls of super bounce balls and go wild.
have a couple of friends go with you and dress up as power rangers. Battle the invisible enemy and tell shoppers to stand back.
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “Pick me! Pick me!!”
hide in the toy section, when someone comes close jump out at them throw a ball and yell "Pikachu I choose you!"
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
Joust with the electronic assist carts and wrapping paper (they usually won't throw you out)
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
Make farting noises as you walk by someone.
Make the entire auto department smell by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
Page yourself and then after the employee says your name, say...“Oh that's me, I've got to go. Thank you.”
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Play "Marco Polo."
Play blind chicken with 12 friends putting a blind fold on one and them having that person trying to find you .
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
Play with the automatic doors.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
Pour bubble bath into the fountains in the garden section.
Put M&M's on layaway.
Put random items in the shopping carts of others while they aren't looking.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
Repeat whatever the store clerk tells you.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
roll cans of soup down the aisles.
run around the store yelling I'm a princess while holding a toy wand.
Run around yelling for your pet ferret "Stinky". check out all the funny looks you get!
Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!"
Run up to a new employee in the pet aisle and point to an invisible cash register and say "Hey you! That cash register over there, well um, I think it's magic! It made my little sister (or brother if you have one) disappear!" Wait and see what they say and the expression on their face.
Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Set up a battle of laser tag .
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
set up like ten pineapples in the shape of bowling pins and start bowling with a coconut.
Shoot the bungee tops at customers.
Start Humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you scream "TUTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can.
Strategically scatter those novelty dog poops throughout the store and wait for some to announce "cleanup on aisle ..." then yell "BAD FLUFFY!"
Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom.
Take a snickers bar, go in the bathroom and smoosh the snickers bar in your hand and reach over to the next stall and say "uh do you have some toilet paper over there?"
Take all of the free AOL cd's on the end of the check out counter Contributed by Keith
Take bets on the battle described above.
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
Throw as many shoes as possible onto the floor in as little time as you can.
TP as much of the store as possible.
Try to fly on a broom. If anyone asks what you are doing tell them in a very annoyed voice, "the brooms don't work!"
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Unload then entire bin of giant bouncy balls, get in the bin, have a friend put all the balls back on top of you. When someone walks by jump outta the balls causing them to fly everywhere.
Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell "Its gonna get me!"
walk around in rubber boots , a rain coat, and an umbrella on bright sunny day!
Walk through the store pushing a cart that is upside-down.
Walk up and down yelling mommy , mommy then keep saying out loud have you seen my mommy I'm lost and I cant find her.
Walk up to a person and say I'm the FBI and I heard that you have been shopelifting and we need to check you.
Walk up to an employee and ask where the laxatives are, changing your voice as if you really need it.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell "how does it work or ITS MAGIC!"
When a woman with children walks near you in the toy aisle, throw yourself on the floor, screaming "mommy, I want that toy"
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
when someone steps away from their cart to look at something quickly make off with it without saying a word.
When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
when the speaker/pager deal comes on start mimicking them.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
While playing a video game in the Electronics, skip side-by-side, wiggle your butt, and hum to the music. Contributed by MOOSE!!!!
While walking alone pretend you are have a serious conversation with someone.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?"


******************************
many MORE annoying things can be found at:
http://www.getannoyed.com
My 14 yr. old sent this link to me...LOL!!!

[Two 6 Pac]

Glad your back

There was this fellow from Mississippi, driving down I-55 South who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait....

An out of state traveler headed for New Orleans, studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand . http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/smile.gif

[Two 6 Pac]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a
seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight
announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 45 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how
to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it isn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

AND FINALLY:

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH,
MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coachyelled,"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[b lake lady]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I
> look
> into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their
> hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work
> and
> their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer
> and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> -- Babe Ruth
>
> I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
> that's as good as
> they're going to feel all day.
> -- Lyndon B. Johnson
> When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
> -- Paul Hornung
>
> 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
> -- H. L. Mencken
> When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
> fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
> So,let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
> -- George Bernard Shaw
> Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
> -- Benjamin Franklin
> Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
> beer.
> Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel
> does
> not go nearly as well with pizza.
> -- Dave Barry
> BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
> -- W. C. Fields
>
>


----------------------- Headers --------------------------------

[b lake lady]

If Airlines Sold Paint:

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be*&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until through Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint?

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra usage fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I do believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: We realize you have a choice in paints, sir. Thanks for painting with United

[PMilam]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in
the summer each year, male reindeer drop their
antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they
give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them,
from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag
a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the
world in one night and not get lost.

[Two 6 Pac]

Ouch! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/wink.gif

[PMilam]

Ahm jist keeeding!

[becsflowers]

The 12 Days of Christmas

December 13
Dear Love,
How sweet of you to send the partridge! What a darling you are. I love you my precious one. And the pear tree-how thoughtful!
Love,
Karen
---------------------------------
December 14
Dear Tommy,
Those two turtle doves are absolutely the sweetest little birds I have ever seen! Cooing in their golden cage, they're a perfect complement to the partridge.
You're a darling, sweet man.
Love,
Karen
---------------------------------
December 15
Dearest Tom,
You really were sweet to send me still another gift, and you are such a kidder. Three more birds! Who else would have thought to send someone three French hens to go with her two turtle doves and a partridge. They will be a bit of trouble to clean up after, but since they're from you, I guess they're worth it.
Love,
Karen
---------------------------------
December 16
Dear Tom,
What a sense of humor, ha, ha! Four calling birds, giving me a total of ten birds in a studio apartment where I wasn't supposed to have pets at all. The racket really is too much. They don't call them calling birds" for nothing, you know. They set off the French hens, and now the turtle doves are cooing round the clock. The partridge looks sick.
Thanks again, I guess.
Love,
Karen
---------------------------------
December 17
Dearest Tommy,
Now I see what all this has been leading up to: five golden rings! I had no idea you cared so much and I am overwhelmed by your lovely gift. I hardly care about the feathers and the seeds on my carpet or the mess the French hens are making. Naturally you won't want to send me any more gifts. But I shall always treasure your thoughtfulness and your love in giving me the rings.
All my love,
Karen
---------------------------------
December 18
Dear Tom,
Not funny, Tom. Your six geese a-laying have nearly ruined my bathroom, and I don't even eat eggs. Now that you've had your little joke, I hope you'll come and take them off my hands before the neighbors complain.
Love,
Karen
---------------------------------
December 19
Tom,
Come and get these seven swans out of my bathtub or we're finished. It was bad enough to have 16 birds in the apartment, but the swans are splashing water all over the bathroom and it's turning the goose $hi! into a stinking lake. The carpet is badly stained. I can't call Animal Control because I'm embarrassed about the mess.
Get over here and help me out of this immediately.
Karen
---------------------------------
December 20
Thomas,
I can hardly write this because of the uproar from your eight maids a-milking and their 'damned cows. All your lovely birds are covered with cow $hi!. The maids are quarreling among themselves and I barely have enough money to buy hay. I don't know where you got these women, but if they aren't gone by tomorrow, I'm calling the police. I'd be evicted if my landlord weren't out of town. What are you trying to prove anyway?
Karen
---------------------------------
December 21
Tom, you b@s!ar!,
Nine ladies dancing would be bad enough, but these so-called ladies are STRANGE. When they're not dancing and breaking things, they're fighting with the milkmaids, putting on airs, and eating everything in the place. You can call it dancing if you want, but they'd get arrested in most nightclubs. It's disgusting. Three of them have been hurt slipping in the cow $hi! and one of them is chasing the French hens with a hatchet.
I can't stand it another day; the chaos is driving me crazy.
Karen
---------------------------------
December 22
You son of @ $%^ch,
You've gone too far. Ten lords a-leaping are now jumping all over the milkmaids. Two of the milkmaids have locked themselves in the bathroom in spite of the geese and swans and the racket and their slimy droppings. Have you ever seen lords a-leaping? They're gross! If you have any heart at all, you'll get the perverted b@st@r%s out of here.The partridge, I might add, is dead. I've lost the damned rings in the muck. I called the police but they laughed at me.
I don't know where to turn.
You know who!
---------------------------------
December 23
Mr. Thomas Furley:
I suppose you'll be happy to know that eleven pipers piped their way into my apartment today and all hell broke loose. The noise stampeded the cows. They ran into the parking lot, injuring several neighbors who had come out to see what the noise was all about. Bird $hi! and bath water finally broke through the floor of the apartment and flooded the apartment downstairs. An Animal Control officer went after the cows but accidentally shot a leaping lord with his tranquilizer gun. One of the dancing ladies thinks she is pregnant. The milkmaids have taken over. One of them runs naked through the apartment complex. The geese and swans are in the swimming pool and the boys are throwing rocks at them. I was attacked by a leaping lord. The calling birds have pulled out most of my hair for nests, which they are building in the chandelier. I am so upset that I strangled the turtle doves.
They were sweet, but I just couldn't take any more!
The stench is unbearable. The air is filled with feathers. The pipers won't stop piping. All is lost, LOST, LOST!
Your avowed enemy,
Karen
---------------------------------
December 24
Mr. Furley:
I am writing this on behalf of my client, Miss Karen Grudge, who is now under psychiatric care at Sunny Hills Hospital. Apparently your gift of twelve drummers drumming proved to be more than she could bear. A suit has been filed charging you with $400,000 in damages to an apartment complex and 37 persons, including an Animal Control officer who alleges that six vicious geese have deprived him of his virility.
Joseph Monk,
Attorney at Law

PS...Have a Merry Christmas!

[Two 6 Pac]

Arkansas Girls, All That and A Bag of Chips

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on thetable.

The third man had married a Arkansas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

Got to love them Arkansas Girls.

[becsflowers]

HO Yeah! THAT'S how Arkansas girls are, TOO!!!
That is SOOOO cute!! Thanks for the grin today!

[Two 6 Pac]

Your 12 days of Christmas had Cindy and I both on the floor, but then we both kinda like it on the floor! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[2100]

A farmer knocked on his neighbor's door, only to be
answered by the youngest son. "I need to talk to your
'pa right now about your brother gettin' my girl
pregnant!" said the farmer.
"He ain't home right now," the little boy replied.
"But I know he charges 50 bucks for the ram and $150
for the bull...not sure what he'd charge ya for my
brother."

[OvertheRiver]

Does this belong on the recipes thread http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/wink.gif

TEQUILA CHRISTMAS CAKE

1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point its best o make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

[Two 6 Pac]

delisshus!

[becsflowers]

"(HIC!)"

[Two 6 Pac]

I kant feel mi leggs#

[OvertheRiver]

Originally posted by Two 6 Pac:
I kant feel mi leggs#

You borke them and put them in the bixing mowl, 'member?

[becsflowers]

How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs,
Well hell, I’ve been saying it all wrong! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/wink.gif

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, “This year I'm taking Earline with me”.

[JrtLover]

A mom is cleaning her son's room while he is at school. She dusts, vacuums and then goes to make his bed. While tucking in his hospital corners she notices there is a magazine under his mattress. She pulls it out and it is a bdsm porn magazine. Terrified and appalled, she sticks it back under the mattress and calls her husband.

Mom: "Honey, Jason has a bdsm magazine under his mattress!!!! What should we do?!?!"

Dad: Well, I don't think we should spank him."

[becsflowers]

Her Side of the Story:

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We met at a café as we had planned, but I had spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and was a bit later than I promised. So, I thought his mood might have been my fault, but he didn't say anything much about it.

I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off to some place intimate and talk privately.

We went to the park and sat on a bench at the water's edge, and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried. What did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but nothing worked. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply. He just put his arm around me. I wondered what the heck that meant, because he didn't say it back to me or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me, and to my surprise, we made love.

Afterwards, he still seemed really distracted, and I just wanted to confront him. But I didn't. I just cried myself to sleep.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I really think he's seeing someone else.
*****************************
His Side of the Story:

Played a bad game today. Shot 87!

Can't putt for nothin'!

Felt kinda tired.

Got laid though.

[Ronald Phelps]

. Arnold Palmers ex wife got remarried. On there wedding night she and her new husband were making love.
When they finished he rolled over with a big smile on his face.
She wasn't ready to stop so she insisted they do it again. He managed but it took some time. He again rolled over and tried to close his eyes when she insisted on more. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. To please his new bride he gathered all his strength and got back in the saddle again. This time he was exhausted but he finished. He rolled over on his back and started to relax. She tapped him and gently and asked for more. He sat up in bed and reached for the phone. She ask if he was calling for more bubbly. He said "I am calling your ex husband." She ask Why? He said " I need to find out what par for this hole is"

[Hermit of Hogscald]

European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men
By Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University


I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world.

You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right.

For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk in the historic district. They know the places you can't find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live--who the fountains are named after, who the statues are. I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times.

Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that? European men know the most romantic little cafes and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to--well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination. I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure - I'm ruined for American men forever!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy
By Giovanni Di Salvi


I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world. Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Would you like to go with me, Signorina, for a cafe?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never catch on.

After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they've read in university texts, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of ****. It's fun to see how much they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from Duke that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond.

For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and fail to notice there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest.

After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom of the list. By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my ****ty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.

I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying in Europe: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

[Ronald Phelps]

Perception Deception Conception

[Two 6 Pac]

Becs, Live chicken me will-ya!


A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.

[becsflowers]

You are a TOTAL nutty HOOT!!!!

[PenDragon]

HOW TO PREVENT THE FLU

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,had never been married.

One afternoon,Pastor Jones came to call on her. She invited him to have a seat. As he sat near her old pump organ, he noticed a bowl filled with water where a condom floated!

"Miss Beatrice," I wonder if you would tell me about this bowl?"

"Oh it's wonderful? I was walking through the park and found this package. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. I haven't had the flu all winter!

[becsflowers]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the older man and asks,"Can you top that?"
The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[Two 6 Pac]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just what I needed! Too Hottttttttt
Thank you.

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.''

The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.''

The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''

[PMilam]

This one's for you, James...

A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon!"

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum!"

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians!"

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire!"

And so on and so on until the the Greek says: "We invented sex. "

The Italian nods, and says:

"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

[becsflowers]

I am having no luck viewing any of these posts after pen dragon's on January 5th..why is that? I can see all other's on all other dates after this one... maybe posting on here again will "un-stick" it?

[PMilam]

Try hitting refresh.
Don't know why it would only happen on this one thread, tho.

[b lake lady]

Subject: Da Wife.





A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over to his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


I love this part....


“Only when he's been drinking."

[becsflowers]

That was cute!
now here's one for ya:

New Exercise Routine for the new year:


New exercise routine if you're over 40 (this may not apply to all of you)

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become

more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM!

Here are the instructions:



SCROLL DOWN..........

























NOW SCROLL UP.

That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate. : )



"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO - What a Ride!"

[b lake lady]

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO - What a Ride!"

My philosophy exactly!!!!!!!!!

[b lake lady]

Subject: Dusty underwear



Dusty underwear

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"


She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[b lake lady]

Last Thoughts For 2004
>
> 12. Life is sexually transmitted.
>
> 11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
>
> 10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
> an erection, make him a sandwich!
>
> 9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
> to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
>
> 8. Some people are like Slinkies . not really good for anything,
> but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
> stairs.
>
> 7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
> dying of nothing.
>
> 6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
>
> 5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
> attention to criticism.
>
> 4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and
> a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
>
> 3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
> world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
>
> 2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
> come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
>
> AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004:
>
> 1. Terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired
> visas for as long as 10-15 years. Now take Blockbuster - You're two
> days late with a video rental and those people are all over you ...
> I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of our immigration.

[becsflowers]

You Know You are From A small Town When:

1. The local phone book has only one yellow page.
2. Third Street is on the edge of town.
3. The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
4. You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
5. You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
6. No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
7. You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
8. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
9. The McDonalds only has only one Golden Arch.
10. A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
11. You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.
12. Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.
13. You can name everyone you graduated with.
14. School gets canceled for state sporting events.
15. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
16. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference
17. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

[Two 6 Pac]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

[becsflowers]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

[OvertheRiver]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's Not Unusual." ((ARG!!!))

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." The man says "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" And the vet replies "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Hop-Sing-Lee. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I didn't see any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I had to amputate your arms!"

[PMilam]

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it
take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. Illuminating rooms is hard work! That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effort. Why do you hate freedom?
And anyway, 9/11 changed everything.

[b lake lady]

Subject: Fwd: HISTORY LESSON


>
>
> It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the
> son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher
> said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give
> me liberty, or give me death?"
>
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand
> up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
>
> "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
> people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
>
> Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
>
> The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Mr.
> Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
> you do."
>
> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
>
> "Who said that?" she demanded.
>
> Martinez put his hand up: "Jim Bowie, 1836."
>
> At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
>
> The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
>
> Again, Martinez said, "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister,
> 1991."
>
> Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
>
> Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
> teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
>
> Now with almost a mob hysteria someone yelled, "You little ****. If
> you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
>
> Martinez frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
> Chandra Levy, 2001."
>
> The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
> the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!"
>
> Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
>

[b lake lady]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the

parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his

sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest

arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

[Sis]

Boudreaux was working at the fish plant in Gonzales when he Accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Lockport. The doctor looked at Boudreaux and said "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do." Boudreaux say, "I don't got da fingers." "What do you mean, you don't got da fingers? It's 2004. We got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring da fingers?" Boudreaux says,
.................. Are you ready for this????????????

................ Are you sure???????????????

................. Remember this is a Cajun.....

............... ok....ok....ok....

................. Here it is.....



"HOW DA HELL WAS I SUPPOSE TO PICK DEM UP!!!!"

[OvertheRiver]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down.

Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[RWhite]

That's a great one, Over! Especially when you consider that my father-in-law was a pharmacist.

[This message has been edited by RWhite (edited 01-30-2005).]

[becsflowers]

OTR,
That story is probably MORE TRUE than you'll EVER know...LOLOLOL!!!!!

[becsflowers]

Subject: The year 2029
* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
* Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.
* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* France pleads for global help after being over taken by Jamaica.
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
And last but certainly not the least... (I love it)..
* Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.

[OvertheRiver]

Obviously written by someone who does not appreciate the south!

40 Things Never Said By Southerners


40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

[PMilam]

"Today is Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. As Air America Radio pointed out, it is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog."

[Becky Davis]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."



The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with “hell” and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.



When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"



She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"



"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

[becsflowers]

THE DEAD DONKEY

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."


Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

[Jhawkr]

DISCRETION

Six retired Floridians are playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses $5000 on a single hand ... clutches his chest ... and drops dead right at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing while standing up. Ernie looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They draw straws. Joe picks the short one.

The others tell him to be discreet and be gentle -- don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.

Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Joe goes over to Henry's apartment and knocks on the door. When Henry's wife answers, Joe says: "Your husband just lost $5000 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Joe. ...

[becsflowers]

Angry about having to complete his farm duties before breakfast, a little boy stomps outside to feed the farm animals. When he gets over to the chickens, he kicks one of them. Then he goes to feed the cows and kicks one of them, too. Next, he kicks a pig. Back inside, his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs or bacon?" he whines. "And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?"
"Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week. And I saw you kick a cow, so you don't get any milk for a week either."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen. The boy looks up at his mother with a big smile and says, "So, are you going to tell him or should I ?"

[b lake lady]

Differing Divas

*Martha's Way*

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.


*Maxine's Way *

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
Martha:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Maxine:
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha:
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine:
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
Martha:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine:
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha:
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha:
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine:
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine:
Leftover wine???????????

HELLO !!!!!!!!

Love Maxine..........my mentor!!!!!!!!!!!

[becsflowers]

Subject: what the staff thinks about new hospital wing construction

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their
hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised
no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated
that they were all laboring under a misconception.


The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"


The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons decided
to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right
through it!


The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.


Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."


The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.


The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole who didn't give a s---.

[OvertheRiver]

Who's on First

For the 21st Century



George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in
the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone

[kf5wd]

Today's story is about Jake. He has been slipping in and out of a coma for several days , yet his mind is still alert at times. One night he is alert and he motions her to come closer. She leans over and he whispers, " Sadie, you have been with me through thick and thin. When I got tired , you were there to sopport me. When my business failed, you were there. when I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, You stayed with me. When my health failed, you were at my side. You know what Sadie?"
"What?" she asked gently, He answered slowly, I think you are bad luck.'

[b lake lady]

>>This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring
around
>>
>>the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they
>>
>>passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper
with
>>a
>>
>>Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my
>>
>>humble shop."
>>
>>So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have
some
>>
>>special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make
>>
>>you wild at sex."
>>
>>Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what
the
>>
>>man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
>>
>>the sex god he was.
>>
>>The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"
>>
>>The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."
>>
>>Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in,
>>
>>and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
>>
>>this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
>>years!!
>>
>>In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
>>
>>violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his
>>
>>own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
>>
>>The Jamaican then began screaming;
>>
>>
>>
>>"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

[b lake lady]

MATHEMATICS : What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
>
>Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
>
>If:
>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as
>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
>
>Then:
>
>H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>
>
>and
>
>
>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>
>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
>But,
>
>
>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>
>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>And,
>
>
>B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
>
>2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>
>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
>
>
>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
>
>1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>
>
>So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bull**** and Ass kissing will put you over the top

[becsflowers]

Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh $#@!.".....

[becsflowers]

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious
financial troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed; So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise desperately needed money for the church .

Peter, Paul and Larry all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their livings as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles, but he had serious doubts about Larry who was just a little local farmer who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor little Larry stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Larry, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

When they got together, the reverend immediately asked Peter,
"Well,Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied,
"Pastor, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" the reverend said, vigorously shaking his
hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Larry and said, "And Larry, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Larry silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The
reverend opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed.

"Larry there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Larry just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "Please
explain how you managed to accomplish this, Larry."

Larry shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know
f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Larry, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Larry replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

[2100]

At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued
a press release stating: If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the
road, close all of the windows,shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable,five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of
the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has
Performed An Illegal Operation"warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers
would have to learn how to drive all over again
because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
engine off.

[becsflowers]

Man Schooling:
For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to getting in at 2 A.M.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Too

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,MENopause,
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling).
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy

[b lake lady]

Ex-President Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same
day, and due to an administration foul up, Clinton was
sent to heaven and the Pope to hell. The Pope explained
the situation to the Devil. He checked out all of the
paperwork, called the Pearly Gates admitting office,
and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told,
however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the
problem.

The next day the Pope was called in, the Devil said his
good-bye, and he began his journey to heaven. Along the
way, he met Clinton, who was on his way down. They
stopped to chat.

The Pope said, "Sorry about the mix-up. By the time you
get to hell, it's really too late to save any souls."

Clinton replied, "No problem. I'm sure I'll be with more
familiar company down below, anyway."

The Pope continued, "Well, I'm really excited about going
to heaven."

"Why's that?" Clinton asked.

"All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary," the
Pope replied.

"Oh," said Clinton. "I'm afraid you're a day late."

[b lake lady]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

Bubba says, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over
and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and
stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under
the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin' Okay?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles
under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You
boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl. "We's on the patch!"

[2100]

I've been saving this one, but I think you are now prepared to read it.

Three blondes (who haven't seen each other in years,) bump into each other at the mall and decide to have a slumber party for old times sake.

At the party, blonde one says, "This was a good idea! I haven't done anything like this in a long time."

"Yeah," says blonde two, "It seems like old times. Like when we were little."

"Yeah," sighs blonde three, "like when we were little… Hey! I know! Let's tell our favorite holidays!"

"Me first! Me first!" shouts blonde one. When I was little my favorite holiday was Easter! I loved it! The change in season, brisk breezes. And getting ready on the Big Day! Dressing up as a princess or ballerina, and getting all that candy…"

"No, no, NO silly! That was not Easter, that was Halloween, silly! I know, because Easter was my favorite holiday! Oh, the anticipation as you counted the days until Easter morning! Going to bed early just so you got up early, but then you couldn't sleep! But in the morning, you run down the stairs and under the tree is all those beautiful packages with your…"

"No, no! You've got it wrong, too! You're talking about Christmas!" explains blonde three. "That's when we celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus. Easter is the day we remember Jesus for another reason. First, on Good Friday, Jesus was nailed to the cross, then sealed in a tomb. On Easter Sunday, the stone of the tomb is rolled away and Jesus comes out! If he sees his shadow, there's six more weeks of winter!"

[becsflowers]

Reportedly, these are actual quotes taken from Federal Government

employee performance evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently failsto achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

[becsflowers]

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on his Tonight Show.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Screw you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "screw you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge ... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.............$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.............................$ 3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui..........................$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

[b lake lady]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport just after midnight. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. While getting to his home, he asked the cabby if he was willing to be a witness. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in the arms of another man. The husband pulled out a gun and held it to the naked man's head. His wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money. This man paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and the yacht club membership. He paid for our cottage at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Wearily shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[becsflowers]

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you?
I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'.
"So I took the truck!"

[becsflowers]

Here's a good one from Sister Mary Ellen!


Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[Sis]

this one is a little long, but worth the time




Read the Narrative first, then listen to the file………..I laughed out loud at this one…


On a recent Spurs trip, we were asking one of our sponsors who works at Jack in the Box some funny stories or experiences with the company.

The funniest story he had was when an operations manager was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident.
After telling us the story, he promised to send us a copy of the voice mail and here it is. This is the actual voice mail message. It was
passed along and forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server.



Click here: http://www.thenerdgroup.com/funnyvoicemail.wav

[PMilam]

Subject: Warning from the Center for Disease Control

Warning from the Center for Disease Control The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease. This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to: Anti-social personality disorder traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor; chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive dissonance;inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions; exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial smirking; ignorance of geography and history; tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for categorical,all-or nothing behavior.
The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years ago in a Texas Bush.

[becsflowers]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they used to communicate with other computers are incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
(''el computer''), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2.They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

[JrtLover]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f **kin' wall

[kf5wd]

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?""Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.

"What are the three tests?""Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar."OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do.. First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it. "Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is.

"As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then...silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[RWhite]

After my day, I needed that one! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/smile.gif

[ilovemyreka]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.


"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."


"Is that when you swore?"


"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."


"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.


"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.


"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."


"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.


"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."


The two nuns were silent for a moment.


Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?

[S. Jones]

An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"
The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

[S. Jones]

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

[becsflowers]

THREE BLONDE'S DIED AND FOUND THEMSELVES STANDING BEFORE ST. PETER. HE TOLD THEM THAT BEFORE THEY COULD ENTER THE KINGDOM, THEY HAD TO TELL HIM WHAT EASTER WAS.

THE FIRST BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS A HOLIDAY WHERE THEY HAVE A BIG FEAST AND WE GIVE THANKS AND EAT TURKEY.

ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.

THE SECOND BLONDE SAID, "EASTER IS WHEN WE CELEBRATE JESUS' BIRTH AND EXCHANGE GIFTS."
ST. PETER SAID, "NOOOOOO," AND HE BANISHED HER TO HELL.

THE THIRD BLONDE SAID, SHE KNEW WHAT EASTER IS, AND ST. PETER SAID, "SO, TELL ME."

SHE SAID, "EASTER IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY THAT COINCIDES WITH THE JEWISH FESTIVAL OF PASSOVER. JESUS WAS HAVING PASSOVER FEAST WITH HIS DISCIPLES WHEN HE WAS BETRAYED BY JUDAS, AND THE ROMANS ARRESTED HIM. THE ROMANS HUNG HIM ON THE CROSS AND EVENTUALLY HE DIED. THEN THEY BURIED HIM IN A TOMB BEHIND A VERY LARGE BOULDER.

ST. PETER SAID, "VERRRRRRY GOOD."

THEN THE BLONDE CONTINUED, "NOW EVERY YEAR THE JEWS ROLL AWAY THE BOULDER AND JESUS COMES OUT. IF HE SEES HIS SHADOW, WE HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS OF BASKETBALL."

[kf5wd]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the
genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince
asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 'This body
is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something
else you would like?' The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo but, I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
'Let's have a look at that dog again.'

[Sis]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you must be dead. Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.


The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[becsflowers]

Hoo! Those last two were killers!!!! Good job! Ha ha ha! "Let's have another look at that dog!"
Figures YOURS would be about a dog!!!LOLOL!!!! You crazy nut!

[JrtLover]

It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[becsflowers]

LMAO!!!!

[kf5wd]

Taking a week break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ye be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.

[Sis]

I just couldn't help myself with this one. A very good laugh!

Stoned Criminals!
http://www.bullguard.com/badnews/

[becsflowers]

No Child left behind

In response to President Bush's federal "No Child Left Behind Act" (NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level.

In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states as well as in Iowa, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART.

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be re-tested in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%.

If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall Be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or SMELL.

If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.

If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she Can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.

It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.

This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing" Act.

[becsflowers]

Woman's Dictionary


* Yes = No.
* No = Yes.
* Maybe = No.
* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
* We need = I want.
* It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain.
* Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

[becsflowers]

Etiquette
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students : "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p***."
The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word
'toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
The teacher passed out..

[becsflowers]

A TRUE FRIEND

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask?
Because you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

[kf5wd]

FINALLY SOMEONE CLEARED THIS UP !
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington, D.C.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings with her, a dowry. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United
States

[kf5wd]

Enjoy your English while you can..... The European Commission has just
announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of
the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

Needless to say (I'm saying it anyway!), my "spell checker" blew a fuse on
this one!
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year
phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

[becsflowers]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance' is still a virgin - in every way" The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it sraight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ...an impressive
work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

[kf5wd]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip. Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.' "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' "So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his a voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!

[kf5wd]

Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local
neighborhood bar in Minnesota. Late in the evening, the officer noticed
a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer
quietly watching...

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles...

The man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for
a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off...

Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night),
flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and
then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few
more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles...

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
the street. The police officer having patiently waited all this time,
now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test...

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany
me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be
broken"...

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[becsflowers]

"I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"


That is SOOOOOOO cute!!!!! Thank you for making my day with those last jokes...they are precious!

[b lake lady]

3 druggies died and went to Heaven. St. Pete met them and said "I have something special for each of you."
1st the alcoholic was locked in a room with every kind of liquor stacked to the high ceiling. Pete said "enjoy, I'll be back to check on you in 2 weeks"
2nd the powder junkie was locked in a room with about a ton white powder of the highest quality and told "enjoy, I'll be back in about 2 weeks."
3rd the pot head was locked in a room lined with the highest grade marijauna and told the same thing as the others.
After 2 weeks, Pete opened the door on the alcohlic, revealing the happiest drunk ever.
Next he checked the crackhead, who was laughing and singing, dancing around the room.
He opened the door of the pot head's room to see a pitiful sight. The man had pulled all of his hair out and was lying on the floor crying, drowning in tears. Pete said, " My son, how can you be sad. What more do you need?" The hippie looked up and cried "DO YOU HAVE A LIGHTER?"

[JrtLover]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The
place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while
the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place
would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room
went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please
use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf. "Well, in
that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender
showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the
restroom.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the
bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me
just because I went to the restroom? "Well, now they know you're one of us,"
said the bartender, Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't
understand," said the puzzled nun. ''You see," laughed the bartender, "every
time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how
about that drink?"

[b lake lady]

And I love this one!!!!!!!!!
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert
> decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar
> and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
> away.
>
> "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but
> within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20
> million dollars."
>
> The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his
> stepmother.
>
> Men will never learn.
>

[becsflowers]

WHOA! I KNEW someone IN REAL LIFE that HAD almost that SAME situation!!!!! http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/eek.gif

[becsflowers]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.

[OvertheRiver]

Anger Management:

When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on
someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...

I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and
remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris.
May I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an
a$$h*le!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$h*le' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$h*le!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
'a$$h*le' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$h*le!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$h*le, (I
had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$h*le, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$$h*le." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called A$$hole #1.

"Hello." "You're an a$$h*le!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$h*le, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$h*le."

Then I called A$$h*le #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a$$h*le," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$h*le, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two a$$h*les beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

This anger management s**t really works!

[RWhite]

http://www.geekfest.com/ubb/smile.gif

[PenDragon]

If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16 of the original $1,000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.

If you had bought $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the cans for the deposit, you would have $214.

Clearly, the best investment is to drink heavily and recycle.

[Neener Neener]

The best way to have a small mutual fund is to buy a large one.

[becsflowers]

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it. My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like an old Buick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Cremes opened a shop in my neighborhood.! Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things, but when's the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

[kf5wd]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
one who's handsome, smart and very strong
one who loves to listen long.
one who thinks before he speaks
one who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he's gainfully employed
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end
and will always be my very best friend.
Amen.

*****************************************


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme, and I don't care.
Amen

[becsflowers]

LMAO!!! GOOD one, kf5wd! And that ain't too far from the truth!!!
Hope you are feeling better....

[Becky Davis]

Had me going Ken. I'm saying oh how sweet. That's so sweet..then he lowers the boom. My jaws on the floor.

[esgrl]

ROFLMAO!!! That is a great one ~ Love it!!!

[kf5wd]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what
he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she would come get me"

[becsflowers]

LOL!!!! never heard that one before...

[kf5wd]

The Alberta Department of the Environment is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the area. People are advised to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle a bear unexpectedly. They also recommend carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity, and to know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[kf5wd]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three
black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had
black penises, but the one seated in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having
trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on
and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal
society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the
pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
expressed by gay men in a contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
Gallery," asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no
African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[kf5wd]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,one by one -

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

"What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

The teacher fainted..

[Becky Davis]

redface.gif

[kf5wd]

A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off the Olympic Gold medal match. Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished!" The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

[kf5wd]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.*

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!"?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question, yes or no."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other."

"I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her moans! Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

[b lake lady]

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

Okay guys, here we are discussing already the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Wellllllllllll, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you guys know who I'm for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have I'm sure...........the best solution:

It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope is yours as well I have a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.

PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment............

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT.
She can certainly speak her mind

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"

3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4.Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

5. Maxine on "The Perfect Man" - 'All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

7. Maxine on "Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the ass twice."

8. Maxine on "Aging" -"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large Margarita."

"I'm telling you guys!.......she's the perfect candidate."

[b lake lady]

Subject: Blonde Enlightenment

>To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his
>apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he
>sunbathed in the nude.
>
>Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very
>determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so,
>he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
>
>The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment
>for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
>
>After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch
>a movie. During the movie, the young man's sunburn started acting up.
>
>After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
>
>A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn
>pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and
>placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate
>relief.
>
>The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into
>the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of
>milk.
>
>With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW
>YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!

[becsflowers]

This "Got Milk" thing just keeps gettin' bigger an' bigger, doesn't it?

[cdw]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a$$hole.

[cdw]

OMG! I just noticed my member number....am I the "oldest" FOOL posting on here????

[becsflowers]

"2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly."

So THAT'S what happened to me!!!!!!!

[username007]

I like that cdw. Who in the world is that creative? Not me.

What a hoot.

[DaBee]

-----THE SMILE

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"

CONFESSIONAL

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!


BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"


CALLER QUESTION

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."


OLD FRED

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good.
Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

BEAUTIFUL

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
__________________________________________________

[becsflowers]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[kf5wd]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike.

While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love.

She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set.

At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.

He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

[Becky Davis]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Vicki Webster]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away?" "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed.....so we're just waiting."

[Becky Davis]

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear pants don't you?


He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said... What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?

She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room... "My husband follows
me everywhere."

Written just below it... "I do not!"


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?!

A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.


Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?

A. They're married.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[tizzy]

LOL to all of those!!!

[username007]

Hey now Becky, I resemble that. I meant, I resent that. Oh hell, never mind. smile.gif

[becsflowers]

You're an EXTREME redneck when.......

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying,"Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
18. You can't remember what is under the blue tarp in the front of your house.

[tizzy]

LOL!!

[tizzy]

Did you hear about the cannibal who got expelled from school?

He was buttering up his teacher.

(I know, I know, really bad..but I found it humorous since I'm a teacher)

[becsflowers]

LMAO!!!! Good one!

[kf5wd]

Eve's side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful,
God," she replied.

"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching
them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,"
reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that
having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically
balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away."


And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied,
"But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired
off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a
mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.

How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where
did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?

[becsflowers]

LOL!!! Good one!!!

[tizzy]

LOL!!

[b lake lady]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring", he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.

Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about...numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wiff Broccori?"

[becsflowers]

O MAN..... *THAT* is the JOKE OF THE YEAR here at our house! Mark is STILL rolling on the floor!

[b lake lady]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne
of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to
the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then
secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next, she
picked up a hacksaw.

The husband, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re
not going to cut it off are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, gave the
hacksaw to him and said, “Nope. You are…I’m only going
to set the garage on fire.”

[username007]

Oh b lake, that is the best one I have heard in a long time.

[JrtLover]

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

[OvertheRiver]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says,

"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligernt, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

<
<
<
<

The bartender says, :D

"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[RWhite]

An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm, so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay," he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife while you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the doctor's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly, "That's how you wave a towel, sonny!"

[becsflowers]

LMAO!!!! These just keep getting funnier and funnier....

[kf5wd]

"Top 16 Country Song" Titles:

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few

[b lake lady]

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR CALLED ALL THE NUNS TOGETHER AND SAID TO THEM, "I MUST TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING. WE HAVE A CASE OF GONORRHEA IN THE CONVENT."

"THANK GOD," SAID AN ELDERLY NUN AT THE BACK, "I'M SO TIRED OF CHARDONNAY

[tizzy]

LOL!

[OvertheRiver]

ROFL!!!

[kf5wd]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking a mid-term.
The last question was......

"Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk," worth 70 points or none at all.

One student found it hard to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote..
7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A"

[kf5wd]

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find
her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped
her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."

The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the
highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I
offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her
a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like.

She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your
shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style.

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your
birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you.

Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were
perfectly good, but much too small for you now".

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still
needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she
said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?"

The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about
to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else
that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

[kf5wd]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his
two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl
said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in
to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's
pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

[becsflowers]

GOOD ones!!!!

[kf5wd]

He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled
on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a
few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise
me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

[kf5wd]

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the
ranch, but knew very little about ranching.

So she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay man, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard, and the
ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great! You should go into town
and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the following Saturday
night.

One o'clock came, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly "Now take
off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

[kf5wd]

Old Chinese Proverbs



Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[OvertheRiver]

Posted here; does not necessarily reflect the views of the poster :D

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[Crys]

This probably isn't appropriate, but I thought it was cute.

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.

Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "25 dollars."
Man: "Fine".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
In the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "75 dollars."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "100 dollars."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, 100 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that **** again!"

[becsflowers]

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!

[OvertheRiver]

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole!

[JrtLover]

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely.
He was single so he got to thinking about some female company. So, he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.

A woman answered, "Hello?"

"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex . . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex!
I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line you have to press 9."

[topsy turvey]

VISITING AUSTRALIA

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q. Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A. What did your last slave die from?


Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? USA
A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A. You are a British politician, right?


Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forgot its name. It's a kind of bear that lives in trees. (USA)
A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q. Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A. No, WE don't stink.


Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A. Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A. Only at Christmas.


Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.


Q. Will I be able to speak English most placed I go? (USA)
A. Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[topsy turvey]

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat,"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch!"

[kf5wd]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a
slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again
and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

[DaBee]

Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted novocaine. The yogi said "No. I can transcend dental medication."

[DaBee]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[DaBee]

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway,
the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for
joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down
along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the
jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her
and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going
to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I
asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and
bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out
positive!"

[DaBee]

When two psychic friends met, one said:
"You are fine. How am I ?"

[kf5wd]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit. He got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that as a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper, about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's backyard in Brooklyn!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

[topsy turvey]

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

The blonde shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[b lake lady]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the
>bar by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
>
>"Magic Beer," he says.
>
>She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
>realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
>sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes,
>I'll show you."
>
>He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
>building three times and comes back in the window.
>
>The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
>
>He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
>building three times, and comes back in the window.
>
>She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
>the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
>
>She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
>plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
>
>The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a
>real asshole when you're drunk."

[kf5wd]

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad,
why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and ingood shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy
Mom

[kf5wd]

Red Neck Wis-dum

Bubba's first military assignment was to a military induction
center, and--because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of
advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI
insurance.

Before long , the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance.

This was odd,--it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per
month more for their higher coverage.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba about his selling
techniques but would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba 's
sales pitch.

Bubba stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If 'n
y'all have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed,the
government pays your Mama or your wife $6,000. If 'n y'all take out the supplemental
GI insurance (which cost you only $30.00 a month ), the government has to
pay your Mama or your wife $200,000."


"NOW," Bubba concluded, "which bunch you think they gonna send to
Iraq first?

[kf5wd]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to
change a light bulb! They don't even know that the
bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And,
once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in
the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But
if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find
the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to
stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT
DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE
AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm sorry. What was your question?

[b lake lady]

have you been at my house???

[becsflowers]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[OvertheRiver]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The store owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said,"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

[becsflowers]

LMAO!!!

[topsy turvey]

DEFINITIONS

1. THINGY (thing-ee)n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male.......The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.......Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.......Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.......Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.......Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male.......A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (May-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest expressions of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.......Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ree-moht kon-trol) n.
Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.......A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[topsy turvey]

THE SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said ,"NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and golfing and drinking beer whenever he wanted.


THE END

[topsy turvey]

FOODS

The Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we will have, or will, eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." :eek:

[topsy turvey]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3rd of the way through the semester he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonder that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that'll teach Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3rds way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this! - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ?!" says his father. "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500. I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?"

The father says, "I hope you SHOOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your mother!"